I'm The Man.

I'm the man with spark-spitting micro violins built into the trucks of his skateboard. I can curdle your milk and make Douglas and Gillian laugh whilst I do it.

But where are their pets ?

I'm the man who you call if you want your Bath tub to be delicately balanced. I operate in the Park Lane area.

*Jobs may take longer than quoted; conditions apply.

I'm the man who'll accompany you to the electronics store to buy a TB303. I'll even remain there with you even when you discover that they have sold out and that the closest thing you'll get is a laminated book of dreams that plays vague acid music when the pages are turned.

I'm the man who will deal with your bleeps like I deal with your beats, who'll drive you to Birmingham and back without a car, who'll do a bedside vigil and will take your secrets to the grave with me.

I'm the man...